A funny thing happened today. I was watching the Glee Christmas special (which overall I thought was kind of sub-par, but whatev…), and found myself getting a bit misty eyed. It was when Roy, the Irish exchange student, read a small portion of the Christmas story. The phrase that got me was at the very end:
“And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will to men.'”
I have heard these words so many times I could recite them in my sleep, but for some reason, listening to them spoken in such a non-religious context made them stand out to me in a fresh way. I love that God’s message to the world as he is born into it is neither a battle cry nor a condemnation, but peace and good will. I sat on the couch holding the remote control and feeling amazed at the way God extends himself toward people.
I feel like I have more questions than answers when it comes to God these days. I often find myself hung up on the finer points of theology and morality, confused about the reasoning behind many of the things I’ve been taught, and unsure about whether to trust my own intuitive and (I think) Spirit-led inner compass or the words and traditions of the centuries of believers before me. These things keep me up at night sometimes.
What I don’t find myself questioning is his character. His message on the first Christmas confirms what I have learned from experience: I know that he is good. He is merciful. He is forgiving, compassionate, holy, just. I know that he exists for himself and not for me, but that he gave himself up for me. I know that he holds the ultimate answers to my questions, and that in many cases he simply is the answer. I also have a sneaking suspicion that while I spend the rest of my life putting together and tearing apart my various conceptions of him, running in spiritual circles, he will be watching me with a smile and one day, he will greet my eternal self with his huge, kind, complete answer: “I AM.”
I think I will breathe a sigh of relief.
In the meantime, I take great comfort in the knowledge that I am his. I can ask any questions, test any theories, form wrong convictions all day long if I want, and it will not change my status as a beloved child, adopted at great cost to himself. There is such freedom in that. I am his and he is mine.